TAIL GUNNER
This happened on a flight ready to depart for Newark, New Jersey. Jack was sitting in his assigned seat when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear. “What’s the matter?” Jack asked. “I’ve been transferred to Newark, New Jersey. There are crazy people there. They have a lot of shootings, gangs, riots, drugs, poor public schools, and a high crime rate.” Jack replied, “I’ve lived in Newark all my life. It’s not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business and enroll your kids in a nice school. It’s as safe a place as anywhere in the world.” The guy finally relaxed and said, “Thank you. I’ve been worried to death, but if you live there and say it’s OK, I’ll take your word for it. By the way, what do you do for a living?” “Me?” said Jack. “I’m a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck.”
 

SPEEDING
An elderly couple was driving cross-country, and the woman was driving. She gets pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer says, “Ma’am, did you know you were speeding?” The woman turns to her husband and asks, “What did he say?” The old man yells, “HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING.” The patrolman says, “May I see your license?” The woman turns to her husband and asks, “What did he say?” The old man yells, “HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE.” The woman gives him her license. The patrolman says, “I see you are from Kansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had.” The woman turns to her husband and asks, “What did he say?” “HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU,” the old man yells.
 

OLD ASS
A woman, in her fifties, is at home happily jumping naked on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks, “Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What’s the matter with you?” The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, “I don’t care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy but I have the breasts of an 18 year old.” The husband replies, “What did he say about your 55 year old ass?” She happily replied, “Your name never came up,”.
 

EINSTEIN’S THEORY
Einstein’s was born March 14, 1879. He would be 128 if he were alive today. Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919. At the time he stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was so well endowed. He suggested that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is even stronger if there is a DNA connection. This came to be know as...... Einstein’s Theory of ‘Relative Titty’
 

DON’T ASK
An old Kentucky farmer was in a bar drinking and looking all depressed. His friend asked him why he was looking depressed and he replied, “Some things you just can’t explain. This morning I was outside milking. As soon as the bucket was filled the cow kicked it down with his left foot so I tied up his left to a pole. I began to fill up the bucket again and he kicked it down with his right foot, so I tied his right to a pole too. As soon as I finished milkin’’ him again he knocked down the bucket with his tail and I took off my belt and tied up his tail with my belt. As I was tying up his tail, my pants dropped down, then my wife came out and well, trust me, some things you just can’t explain!
 

CAJUN MATH
A Cajun man wants a job, but the foreman won’t hire him until he passes a little math test. Here is your first question, the foreman said. “Without using numbers, represent the number 9.” “Without numbers?” The Cajun says, “Dat is easy.” And proceeds to draw three trees. “What’s this?” the boss asks. “Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine,” says the Cajun. “Fair enough,” says the boss. “Here’s your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.” The Cajun stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. “Ere you go.” The boss scratches his head and says, “How on earth do you get that to represent 99?” “Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it’s dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99.” The boss is getting worried that he’s going to actually have to hire this Cajun, so he says, “All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.” The Cajun stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, “Ere you go. One hundred.” The boss looks at the attempt. “You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!” The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, “A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred.”
 

POLICE DOG
One hot summer day, Bubba came to town with his dog, tied her under the shade of a tree, and headed into the bar for a cold one. Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and asked, “Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?” Bubba said it was his. “Your dog seems to be in heat” the officer said. Bubba replied, “No way. She’s cool ‘cause she’s tied up under that there shade tree.” The policeman said, “No! You don’t understand, your dog needs to be bred.” “No way,” said the redneck. “That dog don’t need bread. She ain’t hungry ‘cause I fed her good this mornin’.” The exasperated policeman said, “NO! You don’t understand; your dog wants to have sex!” Bubba looked at the cop and said, “Well, have it, pardner, I always wanted me a police dog.”